i was actually supposed to start writing here 2 months ago, but i got stuck. i know you can relate - where do i even start? what if it isn't perfect? what if i have nothing to say? what if ...?
that's just it, though. what if? i've found myself thinking through all the hypotheticals all throughout my life. "insightful" is what they call it. let's take another hypothetical though...what if we (yes, you. you're here reading this, so now we're in this together) didn't just think through the hypotheticals...what if we did less thinking and more doing?
this is a good place to note that this is a free-flow of words here. i haven't thought about any of what i'm saying yet, so you're right up there in my brain with me now. welcome. excuse the mess.
going back to what i was saying about thinking vs doing...when yash first started this blog for me, i immediately asked "what do i write about?". my mom suggested writing about what raazi (my lil 5 month old belgian malinois foster pup) has taught me. i laughed and said "that sounds like my 9th grade introduction to english writing syllabus week assignment". but you know what? she had a point. i know, big surprise, my mom was right again. if you asked me who the best teacher i've ever had is, i would walk down memory lane and think about all the classrooms i've ever been in & who was standing up front. when you've been in school for 19 years and have at least 4 more years ahead of you, that process can take a while. point is, though, if there's anything school has taught me, it's that some things just can't be taught. mrs. murali, if you're here by any chance, i'd like to say that i still really appreciate you making sure i learned how to write the number '8' properly back in kindergarten even though i had to sit out of recess that day. i no longer hold that against you since i ended up having to use that skill quite a bit in real life, so thank you. that being said, there are definitely some very valuable skills i've gained from school & my academic teachers. but back to what school has actually taught me & the best teachers...
i was taking an uber back from southside (back in pittsburgh) to shadyside one fine friday night, when the uber driver and i found ourselves talking about what school meant to us. he was an alumnus of pitt's philosophy program. he said something that's stuck with me for quite a while. well, the essence of it at least - i'm really not the best at remembering exact details. you can ask my organic chemistry professors for more on that. he said that he went to school for philosophy to "learn how to learn". he went on to share how learning philosophy has taught him a whole new perspective with which to approach life. he had spent his college years learning how to break the world down into the most basic, digestible pieces & build them back up in a way he understood. absolutely incredible, isn't it? he made me question everything i'd ever done in my career. now let me emphasize that the middle of a master's program is not the best time to start questioning everything you've ever done. but it was one of the most important wake up calls i've ever gotten. life is about learning how to learn - everything you do gives you a new lens through which you can see the world. i chose to study biology, neuroscience, and chemistry in my undergraduate studies, but what does that really mean? it means i got the opportunity to understand cause & effect in the most molecular sense possible. voltage gated channels open —> the neuron depolarizes —> an action potential shoots across the axon —> calcium influx occurs —> neurotransmitter is released into the synaptic cleft —> target cell receives signal. everything is a result of what happened before it. what goes wrong if the action potential doesn't shoot across the axon? why wouldn't it? that's how i see the world now. as a flowchart of result-determining events.
raazi @ the beach
back to raazi - what does this have to do with her? by the way, just so you. know, when i use the term "walking" in reference to raazi, it is used very loosely in this context - it's more so her yanking me along in the direction of every squirrel she sees. also, when i'm walking her (or she's walking me) i don't use headphones because i need to be on high alert anytime she has the potential to jump into traffic. why does she feel the need to leap in front of cars? i don't know. i'm hoping to reason through that with you right now. if you've ever been in a position where you get to see something/someone evolve & grow, you'll know what i'm talking about. it's amazing how that whole experience can fill you with a sense of nostalgia for something that hasn't even happened it. just knowing that it'll be gone soon, you start to miss it already. feed-forward control (thought i'd work that in here since i'm really supposed to be studying for my endocrinology exam right now).
the way she experiences life, though, is totally different it seems. i don't know what she thinks about, but i like to imagine she dreams of squirrels & trader joe's puppy treats. she doesn't seem to live in the past or in the future - all that matters to her is the now. what will give her satisfaction in this moment? unfortunately, the answer is almost always chewing my shoes, but that's besides the point. she doesn't have any hypotheticals because she never holds back. there's never a "what if", there's only "i will". she lives life by her rules only, but that's a privilege afforded only to the cutest of creatures that us humans truly don't deserve.
when was the last time you stopped to watch a bird fly? or a duck waddle into a pond? or a blade of grass blowing in the wind? or a little girl giggling in her stroller?
me, you ask? about an hour ago. because raazi made me. every morning, we step outside for a sniff of fresh air & an offering of whatever precipitation the bay area has to offer that day. we look at the squirrels in the trees & the birds taking flight. we tilt our heads at the silly kids creating music with their laughter as their parents balance coffee in one hand & their toddlers in the other. raazi has taught me what truly matters in life - exactly what's right in front of us. yes, we can chase after those squirrels & leadership positions. we won't always get them though, and that's okay.
raazi & the world
we still get to wake up every morning and sniff the air & take an offering of what the world has to give. everything we need is right in front of us. i've got some nice humans who love me even though i sometimes bite, i get a couple yummy meals everyday, and i'm able to chase & pursue what i love. funny thing is, all of that can be interpreted as both my perspective and also raazi's. you choose what makes most sense to you.
so here are my main takeaways:
1) what if...? excellent question - let's find out. we live & we learn. easier said than done, but we'll figure it out together.
2) what has raazi taught me? everything that matters. all i need is right in front of me & all i need to do is learn to love it. i'll keep chasing squirrels, i'll catch some of them, and i'll keep living my happy life no matter what.
3) what has school taught me? how to learn. when i chose my path of studies, i chose the lens through which i perceive the world & my guiding question. based on what i've studied so far, i think mine is "what does this lead to?". this will evolve & so will i, but this is where i am right now.
4) who has been my favorite teacher? you know what... i'm going to go with everything & everyone. and that's not me just being indecisive - i've truly learned so much from every single creature i've ever encountered. even from the less pleasant experiences, i've learned valuable lessons that will guide me through a lifetime. nothing can be taken as an isolated incident, because that's what life is - a series of events that are all joined together.
5) a question to myself - what do i hope to accomplish with this blog? a sense of peace. somewhere to untangle my thoughts & find clarity. this space will never be something that i feel obligated to tend to, but rather a place of solace & retirement.
for those of you who have made it this far, i hope you found something that spoke to you & i send you all my love.