post x - becoming

july 4, 2025

i almost want to start with a reflection on the past x amount of time, like anchor my thoughts & growth to a specific moment. but there’s been so many of those moments i could anchor to - some tangible landmarks like dates…

1. 11/4/2023 - i started working in tech
2. 5/18/2024 - my boyfriend had to move to maryland due to a rapid job change.
3. 5/31/2024 - we got our first real place together in maryland
4. 6/16/2024 - my boyfriend became my fiancee.
5. 8/19/2024 - i moved to maryland to be with my fiancee.
6. 12/25/2024 - my fiancee became my husband (legally, proper wedding pending).

some moments that i didn’t even know happened until i look back in time…

1. my boyfriend, then fiancee, then husband truly became my family
2. i realized im capable of excellence in my work life
3. my selfworth is growing past aspects like my smartness, salary, or looks on a particular day
4. getting excited about buying things like a new mattress, sofa, and pillows…in addition to my usual of pretty dresses
5. comfort & joy in being alone with my thoughts, rather than feeling searing loneliness

i guess that’s the thing about time & these critical moments, right?

you don’t even realize it’s happening until it’s done. we measure things by completion unless we consciously mark them as a “project” that’s a work in progress. we say in a sort of wistful manner, “life just flies right by.”

but it’s worth considering…the flight is exactly where the beauty of life might lie.

the moments we didn’t plan for, the things we didn’t realize needed to happen for us to evolve.

we plan for a lot of things. i’ve found myself thinking about the next steps. i need to be making x amount of money to afford a house in the bay area in y years, my husband & i need to have xyz conversations to be ready for parenthood, and i need to be in a job with abc benefits for me to feel secure in bringing a child into the world while maintaining my professional ambition & progress.

but i never planned for the moments that truly brought me to this era of life & the qualities that are so special to this era. i didn’t intentionally do specific things or activities that built my confidence in my husband & my work, or things that would redefine my self-worth. it just…happened. i chose a path to live & these are the things that happened along the way.

of course, there are things that i know will have a specific effect. the more i choose to put myself in uncomfortable situations, the more i choose to have tough conversations with my loved ones, and the more time i spend with my husband…of course, those will build my comfort & confidence in my ability to do those things. but, the ways in which and the extent to where life would take me in those journeys - i had no idea. and i am so grateful for the things that happened along the way.

i guess what im saying is that i can choose a path, but there’s no way i can fully know where it leads.

i’ve started to talk to God every morning. i still don’t know who God is, or who exactly I’m talking to, but i choose to believe that God is within me. perhaps i’m just speaking to the version of myself i want to grow into, because that’s the person God intended me to be. and that’s where i find God.

i believe in a path that’s destined for me, but not particularly a destination that i’m meant to reach.

as i grow older & every 365 days, a year passes me by, i feel more confident in the path im meant to be on. i was asked in an interview recently, where i want my career to be in 5 and 10 years, and i realized that these questions always make me uncomfortable. the truth is, i dont know. i thought my life would be in clinical medicine & that was my purpose, but that turned out not to be true. now, i dont really know where i want to be in 5 years, and honestly, i dont even know if i want to know. im enjoying not knowing, and just exploring.

i have goals, of course, and some of them may pan out and some of them may change. so i answered honestly. i talked about the impact i wanted to be making in the world and the kind of responsibility i want to be prepared to take on within the industry…and what i think that looks like in terms of role or title or company right now.

but it made me realize - i love the everchanging nature of my life. i’ve found the most growth in the situations that scared me the most - leaving medicine, falling in love, pushing myself to take on things i could never do professionally…and i’ve learned i find just as much, if not more, satisfaction in my failures, than in my successes.

i’ve tried skiing, snowboarding, and surfing over the past few years, and maannnn i suck at them. but i had SO MUCH fun! falling on my butt, getting knocked over by the waves, and the best part? saying let’s do it again. i don’t really care if i never get better at it, but it brings me joy. i face my fears, and im so dang proud of myself in those moments. i had never even gone deeper than hip-deep water in the ocean up until a few months ago, and last month? i paddled out to shoulder level water, and went surfing on it! i couldn’t get up on my board, i kept falling, but whatever dude. it was so much fun, and ive realized i dont want to let the parts i couldnt do detract from the parts i could.

i find new passions, new interests, and new adventures that align with my path every now & then, and i love exploring them - no matter my success or failure.

so as i turn 28 this year, i’m excited to keep living. im excited to figure out what life means to me. right now - i dont feel the need to achieve specific things in my life to feel like i’m living, but i do want to go on certain adventures along the way that make me feel alive. the little side quests & the people i meet along the way are what make me feel alive right now, and i am so excited to see the person i become as life flies by.